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Top 3 Most Ridiculous CBD Products We Saw in 2019

As 2019 comes to a close, so too does another decade of human history and it could be argued that the past ten years should be referred to as the Decade of Cannabis. We have seen 33 states legalize some form of medical marijuana laws, and 11 states take the next step by creating a regulated market for adult-use, recreational, cannabis.


There is no doubt that MONEY is the main motivator pushing most lawmakers to support cannabis regulations because with regulations come taxes and the higher their constituents get on weed, the higher the tax revenues that flood back to the state and to local municipalities. (At least, that is how it is supposed to work in theory.)


Somewhere far lower on that motivator list is the fact that, for most U.S. politicians, supporting cannabis is something that their hometown residents are beginning to demand. The most recent Pew polling on whether or not the Feds should legalize cannabis nationwide continued to exhibit an upward trend, with at least 66% of those polled claiming that they support such a measure.


If the past ten years were the Decade of Cannabis, another major factor in the wave of mainstream acceptance of the plant has been the awakening of the general public to the multifaceted wellness benefits to Cannabidiol, or CBD, the non-intoxicating compound in the cannabis plant that is helping people with everything from anxiety, to cancer, to skin problems, to sleep aid. When the federal government passed the 2018 Farm Bill last December, they parsed the cannabis plant into two categories - cannabis and hemp. Now, in the eyes of the law, 'hemp' is defined as any cannabis plant that contains 0.3% THC content or less. CBD, however faced no such restriction and a new nationwide industry has erupted almost overnight. The U.S. commands nearly 80% of the global CBD market that could exceed $20 billion in annual revenue by the year 2024.


With any new market, particularly when it comes to wellness products, there will always be the charlatans, con artists, and snake oil salesmen, and CBD has an unusually high dose of those, unfortunately.


The FDA has been busily writing warnings to dozens of companies who have, in the eyes of the Feds, violated the trust of the public by making unsubstantiated claims about the efficacy of their products but that usually involves inaccurate package labeling (ie. product says it contains 100mg of CBD but independent lab testing reveals less than advertised).


Sure, that's shady, but we've decided to single out three of the wackiest, tackiest, lamest, and most shameless CBD-related products that are sure to stuff some sucker's stocking this holiday season.


1. CBD INFUSED PILLOWCASES


Sorry, buds, there is no 'cool side' to these pillows. CBD works by ingesting it into your body so that it can interact with your natural endocannabinoid system to deliver the desired effects. You can smoke it, vape it, eat it, drink it, boof it, and even rub it on your skin with infused balms and salves, but resting your head on it seems pretty suspect unless that sucker is sticky as a mofo.


Note how this brand hopes to skirt the all-seeing-eye of the FDA with words like "May..." and "Can..." Made from cotton, not even hemp which should be a no-brainer marketing decision, and manufactured in China, the product description claims that the CBD infused into their fabric is sourced form pesticide-free hemp. Of course, it's all coming from China so good luck getting a lab test result on that selling point. They also claim that the pillowcases are free from THC. Oh thank god, I knew a kid in high school that had a THC-infused pillowcase and he joined a jam band and was never heard of again...


2. CBD 'KNOB POLISH'


Knob Polish is a water-based & CBD-infused personal lubricant for... well... your knob if that's how you like to think of it. Earning points for a rare bit of honesty in the mainstream CBD market, the product explicitly states that it "won't make you larger, thicker, or more charming, but you won’t care. Use a drop or a handful to achieve optimal elevated lubrication and polish away!"



But with reviews like this , maybe they're on to something!



Surgeon General Warning: Just because it says it does not contain spermicide does not mean it is safe to dab.


3. CBD POMADE

Unless you are hip to the jive that Pappy Joe Biden has been laying down recently on the campaign trail, you might not know what the hell pomade is. That's ok... you probably don't know what an abacus is either but somehow you are able to make it through the day doing simple arithmetic. Well for those of you here visiting on the Dell computer you got in 1997, while your VCR incessantly blinks 12:00 over and over again in the corner of the room, have we got a product for you! Direct from the Netherlands to your dome, Dapperman CBD Infused Pomade claims to prevent "dryness and frizz" which lathering your head in shoe polish tends to do, but they also claim that their product can help keep your hair from turning grey. If you are buying that, well then we've got a hot new iPhone Abacus 11 to sell you as well.


RUNNERS UP


Don't get it twisted, this list comes up well short of ALL of the ridiculous CBD-crazed products out there these days like medicated toothpicks, CBD-infused clothing, and even hemp-based toilet paper which is probably the best use for most of the hemp plants we've seen growing this year.


Have a snarky stoner in your life and not sure what gag gift to get them for the holidaze? Any of the items above can easily serve as the next decade's version of the fruitcake.


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