Boof on the Loose! The Tale of the Great Blue Dream Heist of 2019

Sometimes a story comes along that is even crazier than fiction, outside the bounds of the relatively sane minds of mortal writers. The universe is very big, and very old, and crazy shit happens in it all the time and this is the tale of one of those times.

The story begins on May 12th of this year in a fairly commonplace business park in the Fruitvale District of Oakland, California. Just your average run-of-the-mill complex – a CrossFit gym, a small café, and a … what is that? Some sort of quinceañera store? Anyway, on that pivotal day in May the power went out for most of the property housing these businesses. The popular explanation is that an electrical transformer blew, taking down several business suites’ power with it.

Despite tenant complaints piling up immediately, the owner of the complex – a man with the incredibly unfortunate name of Inyoung Boyd – finally showed up to umm... assess... the situation only to discover that *shock* the totally ridiculous quinceañera storefront was literally a front for an unpermitted cannabis grow that had the infrastructure in place to grow roughly 6,000 illegal cannabis plants… but the plants had been whisked away before the room was discovered, leaving nothing but the telltale lighting, venting, tables, and other surefire evidence of a marijuana grow op.

Not long after, Boyd discovered another mysteriously padlocked suite and upon gaining entry found another grow room. Though it was a fraction of the size of the first one he found, this one was still active, housing roughly 1,000 nearly mature cannabis plants… all Blue Dream.

[Editor’s Note: If this was me, and I found 1,000 plants but they all turned out to be Blue Dream, I’d be looking around for Ashton Kutcher or something like I’m being Punk’d because… why Blue Dream? Probably because they just rename it Blueberry YumYum or some shit and all the scene kids devour it.]

Boyd called the Oakland Police Department and let them know what he discovered, figuring that he had 'solved' the 'big mystery' of the power outage while relentlessly playing dumb about 7k black market pot plants under his roof(s) and the massive HVAC and electrical upgrades that must’ve been done to accommodate them. Boyd says he knew nothing about either suite’s occupants, but his onsite property manager is on the record saying that she never received lease payments on the two suites and that payments must have been sent directly to Boyd. She also alleges that the electrical transformer didn’t blow in May, but that PG&E (the local electrical monopoly) turned it off after someone ratted out the illegal growers. The plot thickens…

The cops show up and, as the story goes, they take one look around and allegedly tell Boyd that there’s nothing that they can do. According to Boyd and the owner of the CrossFit gym that was leasing space in the complex, the cops told them that anything more than 6 plants is above their paygrade (FALSE) and that the plants then belonged to Mr. Boyd… wow… needless to say, (FALSE)

These dimwitted cannabis consultant cops told Boyd that he couldn’t sell the plants (because that would be illegal, duh!), but that he could give them away. What in the actual fuck? These bumbling fools behind the badge really have no idea about the military-style raids happening like two hours north of them every day in the Emerald Triangle? They clearly don’t know about how badly California’s cannabis “legalization” crushed compassion programs. Nobody can just give it away – especially if it is evidence in a potential crime! But, Boyd just followed orders. The CrossFit Bro burpee’d all the way back to the gym and turned down the Nickelback tunes to tell everyone about the free-for-all around the corner. Since it’s 2019 they all jumped on their smartphones on the way there and told every ganja-lover in their circle and soon there was a literal caravan of cars and CrossFitters lined up to steal illegal weed right in front of the Oakland Police Department. The place was pretty much cleaned out in a matter of hours, leaving a room full of valuable cultivation equipment behind, just like in the larger space across the parking lot.

Boyd, in an attempt to settle a financial dispute with CrossFit Bro who was literally parking his truck INSIDE HIS GYM JUST FOR THE MUSIC SINCE THE POWER WAS OUT (hahah you can’t make this shit up), agreed to let CrossFit Bro sell all of the essentially stolen lights, vents, hoods, tables, trays, etc, and then split whatever profit there was 50/50 with Boyd. CrossFit Bro says that Boyd also agreed to relax the rent payments for several months while the city approved plans for a newly upgraded electrical transformer for the complex.

Then karma came for a visit to Fruitvale. Somebody – maybe the old “tenants”, maybe the landlord, maybe the Butler in the Den with the Candlestick, or maybe the CrossFit Bro with the propensity to drive his truck into buildings – swooped in and stole all of the grow gear that was meant to be pawned off, leaving the two businessmen with an equal lack of bargaining power over the other. Without the grow gear to offset his own losses, Boyd refused to forgive any back or future rent amounts, reigniting his feud with CrossFit Bro while all of these shady characters are still left sitting in the dark.

But perhaps the shadiest of all… is there any way that OPD officers really neglected to investigate the grow at all, and instead provided some sort of half-baked security for a conga line of moochie motherfuckers to quite literally chop down and haul away potential evidence in a criminal case?

Boyd and CrossFit Bro, hardly allies, agree that the cops were there the entire time and that they even “took care of” the final couple hundred plants that the scavengers had left in their wake. Apparently, the Alameda County District Attorney's office has been made aware of the allegations against the officers and they vow to investigate the matter… probably while they all smoke free Blue Dream together.


22 views0 comments